Dinner Etiquette Gifts

"Guys, remember, no feeding frenzy: Leave some for Grandpa to chew on..."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

"Great coffee, Carole."

"Here's something extra to cover his lousy tip. Blame his fifth grade math teacher."

"I hope he's wearing pants."

I always forget - is it white with dry food and red with wet food, or the other way around?

"Waiter, can you find out if this hair in my arugula salad is locally harvested?"

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

'While you're doing his brain surgery, can you tweak things a bit so he'll stop picking his nose at the dinner table?'

"Hey! What did I tell you about drinking right out of your super bowl, young man?"

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

"The last doggy bag."

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

"What a slobster."

Screen Time at the Dining Table

"Wait. Let it breathe."

"Would you like free or expensive water?"

"Please be advised that our new chef's policy is that you're not allowed to leave until you've finished all the food on your plate."

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

"You've got a tiny piece of ginger in your mustache."

"Don't yell in the restaurant. Use your texting voice."

The Last Dinner

"Oh, but it's fine for you to hang out where I eat."

"How do you tell the Son of God He's got spinach in his teeth?"

I'll have a hamburger.

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

'Have you been eating right?'

"A table for two? Would you like chairs with that, madam?"

"That nasty man won't pass me the salt!"

'It's rude to stretch across the table. Haven't you got a tongue?'