Dining Etiquette Explorer Gifts

"Sorry. Not my table."

'Twitter or tweet-free?'

Zombie table manners.

'What do I do now?'

'Could you spin the lazy susan so I can reach the tartar sauce, please,'

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

"You may have a so-called 'doggie bag,' but there's a $5 sharing surcharge."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

"O young, naive one...you must know the golden rule of the kitchen. To avoid the mother of all disrespects...never criticize the cooking of a family elder."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Great coffee, Carole."

Platter confusion.

I always forget - is it white with dry food and red with wet food, or the other way around?

"I hope he's wearing pants."

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

'While you're doing his brain surgery, can you tweak things a bit so he'll stop picking his nose at the dinner table?'

"The last doggy bag."

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

"Have you had a chance to look at the menu?"

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

Screen Time at the Dining Table

"What a slobster."

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

"You've got a tiny piece of ginger in your mustache."

"Guys, remember, no feeding frenzy: Leave some for Grandpa to chew on..."

"Are you enjoying your escargot?"

"Wait. Let it breathe."

"Oh, but it's fine for you to hang out where I eat."

The Last Dinner

"So you mean to tell me that this business dinner actually involves business?"

I'll have a hamburger.

"How do you tell the Son of God He's got spinach in his teeth?"

"A table for two? Would you like chairs with that, madam?"