Dining Etiquette Explorer T-Shirts

"Sorry. Not my table."

'Twitter or tweet-free?'

Zombie table manners.

'What do I do now?'

'Could you spin the lazy susan so I can reach the tartar sauce, please,'

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

"You may have a so-called 'doggie bag,' but there's a $5 sharing surcharge."

"O young, naive one...you must know the golden rule of the kitchen. To avoid the mother of all disrespects...never criticize the cooking of a family elder."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Great coffee, Carole."

Platter confusion.

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

"I hope he's wearing pants."

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

"Have you had a chance to look at the menu?"

"The last doggy bag."

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

"You've got a tiny piece of ginger in your mustache."

Screen Time at the Dining Table

"Guys, remember, no feeding frenzy: Leave some for Grandpa to chew on..."

"What a slobster."

"Are you enjoying your escargot?"

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

"So you mean to tell me that this business dinner actually involves business?"

"A table for two? Would you like chairs with that, madam?"

"Oh, but it's fine for you to hang out where I eat."

"How do you tell the Son of God He's got spinach in his teeth?"

The Last Dinner

I'll have a hamburger.

'Is anything O.K.?'

'It's not nouvelle cuisine, Monsieur. You've ordered from the children's menu.'

'Smoking section, please.'