Dining Dispute Detectives Gifts

I'm sorry, Miss. I can't involve the bouncer just to "teach somebody a lesson." Menu.

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

"Must everything with you be a landmark decision?"

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

'How is the water prepared?'

'Waiter, there's a Fly-Agaric in my soup.'

"You know why they make these straws so big? It's a scam to make you drink fast so you can finish quicker and order more."

"I think you should be aware that the chef is a summer intern."

"We add an eighteen percent gratuity for parties of six or more."

'This fortune cookie says 'buy oriental tea futures'...'

"Oh sorry, those are the Ten Commandments. Hang on, I'll get you a menu."

"Hey!-This looks like a good place!"

"I'm Todd, your waiter, and I'd like you to think our friendship is more than contextual."

"And finally the chef's surprise - the check!"

"How did I find my lamb chop? Well, I lifted up a roast potato and there it was."

'I said, 'I'd like to see the chef!''

'I have a bad feeling about this place, Watson... and I smell a rat!'

Rare Medical Conditions - The compulsive desire to work out restaurant bills correctly

"How 'local' is the fish?"

"I'll have your check in a moment, sir."

"Don't tell him anything."

'Mine was stone cold.'

"You can tell it's a classy restaurant - they're ignoring us with panache."

"Yes, a table for three: me, him and his ego."

How is your soup, sir? Speaking for myself, it looks pretty good. I can't speak for the fly, of course.

'Which are the most popular and least popular items, and which have been on the menu the longest and shortest times?'

Plane with banner shoots at another.

"Our menu never claims that our meat is barbecued. It just says that it's covered in barbecue sauce."

'You're cute when you blow your cool.'

"Are we pessimists and our stomachs are half empty or optimists and our stomachs are half full?"

'No, no... I ordered a tart, not a tort!'

"To prevent any complaints like "when will our ordered food be served" guests can now follow the work in the kitchen on TV."

'We're at an Italian restaurant this time, Kevin -- those are breadsticks, not giant-size chopsticks.'