Dining Dabbler Pillows

"I ordered ham, but I think the cook spammed me."

'His workout regimen consists of 50 sit-downs every day.'

Begin this high fiber diet slowly. Too fast and your co-workers may complain of a greenhouse effect.

"I want to leave myself some caloric margin of error for dessert."

'Everybody on the internet now knows I'm a dog, so I'm pretending to be a cat.'

"Hold on, hun... I'm just saying, losing four ounces in a month is better than gaining four ounces in a month!"

'Let's go and make some unfunded spending committments.'

"I've tried 5 diets and haven't lost a pound. Maybe I shouldn't try them all at the same time."

Chief Foreign Policy Advisor to President Obama.

'The crystal ball says to buy and the 8-Ball says to sell.'

My first mistake.

'Hey, that's a bad roll. Let's try that again.'

'Only the years when the market was bullish...'

"Norman's really into wild paddling."

Obese man using a exercise machine. His false teeth are flying out.

'You're going to have to stop smoking, drink less, change your eating habits and start taking regular exercise.' 'This seems awfy one-sided, Doctor.'

'...and that concludes this seminar on healthy living. Now, if anyone cares to join me, I'm off to that new place down the street for some steak and a few beers.'

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

"You forgot my Diet Cola."

"You research diets, then order junk food online. Your computer isn't broken, it's just confused."

The four major food groups.

Snow Surgery

'Let's try again but NO laughing this time!'

'I can't decide whether to get a lawyer or tell the truth.'

"I'll take a latte with Mocha, Vanilla, Caramel, Hazelnut, Cinnamon, Chai, White Chocolate, Pumpkin Spice, Gingerbread, Butterscotch and Marshmallow. Hold the whipped cream, I'm on a diet."

The Cat that Ate the Canary, 3 a.m.

"Sure-fire weight loss program."

"A good rule of thumb is, if you can't lift it, don't eat it."

'Yes, that's all - isn't 1500 calories enough?'

Self Service, Self Denial

"I'm taking you off 3 of the 4 basic food groups."

Computer: 'You-are-spending-too-much-time-interfacing-with-food'

'Diets are easy, I've been on loads of them.'