Dining Dabbler Gifts

"I ordered ham, but I think the cook spammed me."

"Umm ... not sure what notes you'll detect on your palate, but it'll get you ripped."

'His workout regimen consists of 50 sit-downs every day.'

Begin this high fiber diet slowly. Too fast and your co-workers may complain of a greenhouse effect.

When I walk as part of my fitness plan I feel a new, great appreciation for all humanity! That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind. It's so hot and humid nobody's around today. Magnificent desolation! Do you think you'll stick with your diet? Failure is not an otion. Look! An ice cream truck! On the moon I'd weigh 41 pounds and could eat ice cream all day! Houston we have a problem!

"I want to leave myself some caloric margin of error for dessert."

'Everybody on the internet now knows I'm a dog, so I'm pretending to be a cat.'

"Hold on, hun... I'm just saying, losing four ounces in a month is better than gaining four ounces in a month!"

'Let's go and make some unfunded spending committments.'

"I've tried 5 diets and haven't lost a pound. Maybe I shouldn't try them all at the same time."

Chief Foreign Policy Advisor to President Obama.

'The crystal ball says to buy and the 8-Ball says to sell.'

My first mistake.

'Hey, that's a bad roll. Let's try that again.'

Obese man using a exercise machine. His false teeth are flying out.

'Only the years when the market was bullish...'

"Norman's really into wild paddling."

'You're going to have to stop smoking, drink less, change your eating habits and start taking regular exercise.' 'This seems awfy one-sided, Doctor.'

'...and that concludes this seminar on healthy living. Now, if anyone cares to join me, I'm off to that new place down the street for some steak and a few beers.'

"You forgot my Diet Cola."

"You research diets, then order junk food online. Your computer isn't broken, it's just confused."

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

The four major food groups.

'Let's try again but NO laughing this time!'

'I can't decide whether to get a lawyer or tell the truth.'

Snow Surgery

The Cat that Ate the Canary, 3 a.m.

"I'll take a latte with Mocha, Vanilla, Caramel, Hazelnut, Cinnamon, Chai, White Chocolate, Pumpkin Spice, Gingerbread, Butterscotch and Marshmallow. Hold the whipped cream, I'm on a diet."

"A good rule of thumb is, if you can't lift it, don't eat it."

"Sure-fire weight loss program."

'Yes, that's all - isn't 1500 calories enough?'

This salad tastes funky� Is this ranch dressing? Oh, I'm sorry, sir� I thought you ordered raunch dressing.

Self Service, Self Denial

"I'm taking you off 3 of the 4 basic food groups."

Café. Lo Carb Specialties Diner. It's ironic that they advertise on a sandwich board.