Dietary Dabbler Gifts

'I eat plenty of fast food, but I just seem to be getting slower and slower!'

"I need to lay off those seven birthday cakes a year."

'Ol' Zeke across the mountain's been stealing all my business with his new low-carb moonshine!'

"I'm taking you off 3 of the 4 basic food groups."

'You're going to have to stop smoking, drink less, change your eating habits and start taking regular exercise.' 'This seems awfy one-sided, Doctor.'

'What do you expect, Judy? No diet will work if you consistently eat two tons,of fish a day.'

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

"Umm ... not sure what notes you'll detect on your palate, but it'll get you ripped."

Begin this high fiber diet slowly. Too fast and your co-workers may complain of a greenhouse effect.

'His workout regimen consists of 50 sit-downs every day.'

When I walk as part of my fitness plan I feel a new, great appreciation for all humanity! That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind. It's so hot and humid nobody's around today. Magnificent desolation! Do you think you'll stick with your diet? Failure is not an otion. Look! An ice cream truck! On the moon I'd weigh 41 pounds and could eat ice cream all day! Houston we have a problem!

"Charles didn't like tofu."

"I used to be a vegetarian. Then I became a vegan. Then a fruitarian. Now I only eat manna that falls from Heaven."

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

Man opens refrigerator which promptly burps.

'Everybody on the internet now knows I'm a dog, so I'm pretending to be a cat.'

"Hold on, hun... I'm just saying, losing four ounces in a month is better than gaining four ounces in a month!"

'Chocolate never tasted so good as when I sneak a piece while dieting.'

"I've tried 5 diets and haven't lost a pound. Maybe I shouldn't try them all at the same time."

"I'm not a total vegetarian, sometimes I like a bit of buffalo."

My first mistake.

Obese man using a exercise machine. His false teeth are flying out.

"Wheatgrass is highly effective at neutralizing joy."

'...and that concludes this seminar on healthy living. Now, if anyone cares to join me, I'm off to that new place down the street for some steak and a few beers.'

Spanx Tells Me No

'The only vegan item on the menu is the menu itself.'

"You forgot my Diet Cola."

"You research diets, then order junk food online. Your computer isn't broken, it's just confused."

The four major food groups.

Snow Surgery

'Let's try again but NO laughing this time!'

"A good rule of thumb is, if you can't lift it, don't eat it."

'Frankly, the diet I'm putting you on will include things that you probably wouldn't consider 'food' as such.'

"Sure-fire weight loss program."

Santa's grotto advertising 'Talk to Santa', is next to a diet clinic with a sign in the window, 'Santa, talk to us.'