Dieting Dabblers Gifts

'Yeah, me, too — I gained it all back over the holidays.'

The Cat that Ate the Canary, 3 a.m.

"Umm ... not sure what notes you'll detect on your palate, but it'll get you ripped."

Begin this high fiber diet slowly. Too fast and your co-workers may complain of a greenhouse effect.

'His workout regimen consists of 50 sit-downs every day.'

When I walk as part of my fitness plan I feel a new, great appreciation for all humanity! That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind. It's so hot and humid nobody's around today. Magnificent desolation! Do you think you'll stick with your diet? Failure is not an otion. Look! An ice cream truck! On the moon I'd weigh 41 pounds and could eat ice cream all day! Houston we have a problem!

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

"I used to be a vegetarian. Then I became a vegan. Then a fruitarian. Now I only eat manna that falls from Heaven."

"Hold on, hun... I'm just saying, losing four ounces in a month is better than gaining four ounces in a month!"

'Let's go and make some unfunded spending committments.'

"I've tried 5 diets and haven't lost a pound. Maybe I shouldn't try them all at the same time."

"I'm not a total vegetarian, sometimes I like a bit of buffalo."

My first mistake.

"Constant delays and confusion over Brexit are causing the firm huge problems. . ."

Obese man using a exercise machine. His false teeth are flying out.

"I just finished a 10-day cleanse. Now it's time to retox."

'You're going to have to stop smoking, drink less, change your eating habits and start taking regular exercise.' 'This seems awfy one-sided, Doctor.'

'...and that concludes this seminar on healthy living. Now, if anyone cares to join me, I'm off to that new place down the street for some steak and a few beers.'

Spanx Tells Me No

"You research diets, then order junk food online. Your computer isn't broken, it's just confused."

"You forgot my Diet Cola."

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

'When did 'At Ease' become 'Chill'?'

The four major food groups.

'Let's try again but NO laughing this time!'

"Do you have a one day a year membership?"

Snow Surgery

"My Doctor said I needed more exercise so I jogged down to the donut shop."

"I'll take a latte with Mocha, Vanilla, Caramel, Hazelnut, Cinnamon, Chai, White Chocolate, Pumpkin Spice, Gingerbread, Butterscotch and Marshmallow. Hold the whipped cream, I'm on a diet."

"A good rule of thumb is, if you can't lift it, don't eat it."

"Sure-fire weight loss program."

'Yes, that's all - isn't 1500 calories enough?'

Santa's grotto advertising 'Talk to Santa', is next to a diet clinic with a sign in the window, 'Santa, talk to us.'

Self Service, Self Denial

"I'm wearing a karate gi because my doctor told me to start aikido diet."