Dieting Dabbler Gifts

Horn of Moderation

'I went on a diet last year. . . My doctor said that I was 'morbidly obese'. . . Now I've got down to just 'obese' I feel a lot happier in myself.'

Al has vowed to climb the Food Pyramid...one mouthful at a time.'

Woman weighs herself on scales, holding helium balloons.

"You forgot my Diet Cola."

"You research diets, then order junk food online. Your computer isn't broken, it's just confused."

Two books: 'The Joy of Cooking' next to 'The Joy of Dieting'.

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

Begin this high fiber diet slowly. Too fast and your co-workers may complain of a greenhouse effect.

'His workout regimen consists of 50 sit-downs every day.'

"The saying Use It or Lose It isn’t referring to one’s appetite."

"Each order comes with 10 minutes of free guilt counseling."

"Statins. I got statins. Who needs statins?"

"I used to be a vegetarian. Then I became a vegan. Then a fruitarian. Now I only eat manna that falls from Heaven."

'Yes, the treestand's maximum weight capacity is 300 pounds, you weigh 301 pounds.'

'As you're pregnant, I suppose you are eating for two? Or don't you want to cut down that much?'

'I won't tell my thighs if you don't..'

'I gotta lose some weight.'

'The first thing you need to do is lose 40 pounds of that baby boomer fat.'

"Hold on, hun... I'm just saying, losing four ounces in a month is better than gaining four ounces in a month!"

"This is Chance. When he first came here he was a fat Chance. Now he's a slim Chance."

"To lose weight they said I've just had to give up two things. . .food and drink!"

"If we crunch the numbers, it should have zero calories."

'I think my diet is finally working. went form a large to an extra medium.'

"Double whammy. My weight now exceeds my credit score."

'I'll have one regular cheese-burger from column 'A', and one negative-calories cheese-burger from column 'B'.'

Fat man on scales.

'The doctor said my body is 40% fat. These cookies are only 20% fat. That's got to help.'

"I've tried 5 diets and haven't lost a pound. Maybe I shouldn't try them all at the same time."

"You've got to eat less, exercise more and try to stay out of trouble. You're not fit to stand trial."

'This high fiber diet is great! I've lost 10 pounds since I started eating my stuffing.'

Woman leaves a stick of dynamite on her weighing scales and runs away