Dairy Dabbler Gifts

"Do cows grunt?.... I must have milked a pig then."

"Umm ... not sure what notes you'll detect on your palate, but it'll get you ripped."

'His workout regimen consists of 50 sit-downs every day.'

Begin this high fiber diet slowly. Too fast and your co-workers may complain of a greenhouse effect.

"I want to leave myself some caloric margin of error for dessert."

When I walk as part of my fitness plan I feel a new, great appreciation for all humanity! That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind. It's so hot and humid nobody's around today. Magnificent desolation! Do you think you'll stick with your diet? Failure is not an otion. Look! An ice cream truck! On the moon I'd weigh 41 pounds and could eat ice cream all day! Houston we have a problem!

Heroic Rescue from a Falling Tower

'Everybody on the internet now knows I'm a dog, so I'm pretending to be a cat.'

"Hold on, hun... I'm just saying, losing four ounces in a month is better than gaining four ounces in a month!"

'Let's go and make some unfunded spending committments.'

Chief Foreign Policy Advisor to President Obama.

"I've tried 5 diets and haven't lost a pound. Maybe I shouldn't try them all at the same time."

"I'm not a total vegetarian, sometimes I like a bit of buffalo."

My first mistake.

'You're going to have to stop smoking, drink less, change your eating habits and start taking regular exercise.' 'This seems awfy one-sided, Doctor.'

'Hey, that's a bad roll. Let's try that again.'

Obese man using a exercise machine. His false teeth are flying out.

'...and that concludes this seminar on healthy living. Now, if anyone cares to join me, I'm off to that new place down the street for some steak and a few beers.'

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

'Sorry Mum, but the silly haircut kind of ruins my body builder image...'

'When did 'At Ease' become 'Chill'?'

The four major food groups.

Snow Surgery

'Let's try again but NO laughing this time!'

"I'll take a latte with Mocha, Vanilla, Caramel, Hazelnut, Cinnamon, Chai, White Chocolate, Pumpkin Spice, Gingerbread, Butterscotch and Marshmallow. Hold the whipped cream, I'm on a diet."

"A good rule of thumb is, if you can't lift it, don't eat it."

"Sure-fire weight loss program."

'Yes, that's all - isn't 1500 calories enough?'

'If we are to differentiate ourselves from the private sector we need to focus on a reorientation of our client-facing interactions to prioritise customer led positive responses to intervention scenarios.'

Self Service, Self Denial

"I'm taking you off 3 of the 4 basic food groups."

Computer: 'You-are-spending-too-much-time-interfacing-with-food'

Book Signing. "The Inflation Diet." How does it work? You spend the same amount on food each week and the rest takes care of itself.

Ask About Our Diet Doughnuts! All the calories are in the holes.

Café. Lo Carb Specialties Diner. It's ironic that they advertise on a sandwich board.