Dietary Dabbler Pillows

'I eat plenty of fast food, but I just seem to be getting slower and slower!'

"I need to lay off those seven birthday cakes a year."

'Ol' Zeke across the mountain's been stealing all my business with his new low-carb moonshine!'

"I'm taking you off 3 of the 4 basic food groups."

'You're going to have to stop smoking, drink less, change your eating habits and start taking regular exercise.' 'This seems awfy one-sided, Doctor.'

'What do you expect, Judy? No diet will work if you consistently eat two tons,of fish a day.'

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

Begin this high fiber diet slowly. Too fast and your co-workers may complain of a greenhouse effect.

'His workout regimen consists of 50 sit-downs every day.'

"Charles didn't like tofu."

Man opens refrigerator which promptly burps.

'Everybody on the internet now knows I'm a dog, so I'm pretending to be a cat.'

"I used to be a vegetarian. Then I became a vegan. Then a fruitarian. Now I only eat manna that falls from Heaven."

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

"Hold on, hun... I'm just saying, losing four ounces in a month is better than gaining four ounces in a month!"

'Chocolate never tasted so good as when I sneak a piece while dieting.'

"I've tried 5 diets and haven't lost a pound. Maybe I shouldn't try them all at the same time."

"I'm not a total vegetarian, sometimes I like a bit of buffalo."

My first mistake.

Obese man using a exercise machine. His false teeth are flying out.

"Wheatgrass is highly effective at neutralizing joy."

'...and that concludes this seminar on healthy living. Now, if anyone cares to join me, I'm off to that new place down the street for some steak and a few beers.'

'The only vegan item on the menu is the menu itself.'

"You forgot my Diet Cola."

"You research diets, then order junk food online. Your computer isn't broken, it's just confused."

The four major food groups.

'Let's try again but NO laughing this time!'

Snow Surgery

"I'll take a latte with Mocha, Vanilla, Caramel, Hazelnut, Cinnamon, Chai, White Chocolate, Pumpkin Spice, Gingerbread, Butterscotch and Marshmallow. Hold the whipped cream, I'm on a diet."

Santa's grotto advertising 'Talk to Santa', is next to a diet clinic with a sign in the window, 'Santa, talk to us.'

"A good rule of thumb is, if you can't lift it, don't eat it."

'Yes, that's all - isn't 1500 calories enough?'

"Sure-fire weight loss program."

'Frankly, the diet I'm putting you on will include things that you probably wouldn't consider 'food' as such.'

The Cat that Ate the Canary, 3 a.m.