Vegetarian Dabblers Pillows

"I'm not a total vegetarian, sometimes I like a bit of buffalo."

'His workout regimen consists of 50 sit-downs every day.'

Begin this high fiber diet slowly. Too fast and your co-workers may complain of a greenhouse effect.

"I want to leave myself some caloric margin of error for dessert."

'I don't think he's so smart. I had to show him three times before he got the hank of it.'

Heroic Rescue from a Falling Tower

'Everybody on the internet now knows I'm a dog, so I'm pretending to be a cat.'

"Next time don't use a herbed vinegar."

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

"Hold on, hun... I'm just saying, losing four ounces in a month is better than gaining four ounces in a month!"

'Let's go and make some unfunded spending committments.'

"I've tried 5 diets and haven't lost a pound. Maybe I shouldn't try them all at the same time."

My first mistake.

"Constant delays and confusion over Brexit are causing the firm huge problems. . ."

'You're going to have to stop smoking, drink less, change your eating habits and start taking regular exercise.' 'This seems awfy one-sided, Doctor.'

Obese man using a exercise machine. His false teeth are flying out.

DIY Shelves

'...and that concludes this seminar on healthy living. Now, if anyone cares to join me, I'm off to that new place down the street for some steak and a few beers.'

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

'I'd like to get back to nature...'

'When did 'At Ease' become 'Chill'?'

The four major food groups.

'Let's try again but NO laughing this time!'

"Do you have a one day a year membership?"

Snow Surgery

"Sure-fire weight loss program."

"I'll take a latte with Mocha, Vanilla, Caramel, Hazelnut, Cinnamon, Chai, White Chocolate, Pumpkin Spice, Gingerbread, Butterscotch and Marshmallow. Hold the whipped cream, I'm on a diet."

"A good rule of thumb is, if you can't lift it, don't eat it."

"My Doctor said I needed more exercise so I jogged down to the donut shop."

The Cat that Ate the Canary, 3 a.m.

'Yes, that's all - isn't 1500 calories enough?'

Self Service, Self Denial

Computer: 'You-are-spending-too-much-time-interfacing-with-food'