Drink Dabbler Pillows

My first mistake.

"I appreciate your devices that make it seem like you're paying attention, but could you actually pay attention and make eye contact so I know you are?"

'His workout regimen consists of 50 sit-downs every day.'

Begin this high fiber diet slowly. Too fast and your co-workers may complain of a greenhouse effect.

"I want to leave myself some caloric margin of error for dessert."

'Everybody on the internet now knows I'm a dog, so I'm pretending to be a cat.'

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

"Hold on, hun... I'm just saying, losing four ounces in a month is better than gaining four ounces in a month!"

'Let's go and make some unfunded spending committments.'

"I've tried 5 diets and haven't lost a pound. Maybe I shouldn't try them all at the same time."

"Constant delays and confusion over Brexit are causing the firm huge problems. . ."

'When the school upgraded its operating system, for the third time, I upgraded my headache medicine from over-the-counter to prescription strength.'

Obese man using a exercise machine. His false teeth are flying out.

'...and that concludes this seminar on healthy living. Now, if anyone cares to join me, I'm off to that new place down the street for some steak and a few beers.'

"That's not all I do. Actually I'm a psychological counselor- gymnast-motivational speaker-relaxation therapist-sex worker."

The Screeeen!

'I can't get the hang of this cloud computing...'

'When did 'At Ease' become 'Chill'?'

The four major food groups.

'I don't surf the net, I just kind of dog-paddle through it.'

'Let's try again but NO laughing this time!'

'Plastic Surgery for Beginners'

Snow Surgery

Negotiations over the new colour scheme had reached stalemate.

'Yes, that's all - isn't 1500 calories enough?'

"I'll take a latte with Mocha, Vanilla, Caramel, Hazelnut, Cinnamon, Chai, White Chocolate, Pumpkin Spice, Gingerbread, Butterscotch and Marshmallow. Hold the whipped cream, I'm on a diet."

"Sure-fire weight loss program."

"A good rule of thumb is, if you can't lift it, don't eat it."

Self Service, Self Denial

"I'm wearing a karate gi because my doctor told me to start aikido diet."

Computer: 'You-are-spending-too-much-time-interfacing-with-food'

'He's at the 'awkward stage' in converting to paperless so he carries both a laptop and a briefcase.'