Dating Dabbler Pillows

"I get the feeling you haven't heard a word I've said"

"Oh no! Buy new clothes so I can go on a date, and then I have to ask dad for a ride to the movies, and I got this pimple last week right on my chin! Why is this happening?!"

"I appreciate your devices that make it seem like you're paying attention, but could you actually pay attention and make eye contact so I know you are?"

Begin this high fiber diet slowly. Too fast and your co-workers may complain of a greenhouse effect.

'His workout regimen consists of 50 sit-downs every day.'

'Everybody on the internet now knows I'm a dog, so I'm pretending to be a cat.'

'I may not know about DNA, but I sure as hell know about recombinant.'

'We call it the 'Tomato Surprise' because the chef tinkered with the DNA a little.'

"Hold on, hun... I'm just saying, losing four ounces in a month is better than gaining four ounces in a month!"

'Let's go and make some unfunded spending committments.'

'We call it the 'Tomato Surprise' because the chef tinkered with the DNA a little.'

"I've tried 5 diets and haven't lost a pound. Maybe I shouldn't try them all at the same time."

'The crystal ball says to buy and the 8-Ball says to sell.'

My first mistake.

'When the school upgraded its operating system, for the third time, I upgraded my headache medicine from over-the-counter to prescription strength.'

Obese man using a exercise machine. His false teeth are flying out.

'You're going to have to stop smoking, drink less, change your eating habits and start taking regular exercise.' 'This seems awfy one-sided, Doctor.'

'...and that concludes this seminar on healthy living. Now, if anyone cares to join me, I'm off to that new place down the street for some steak and a few beers.'

The Screeeen!

Practice Pigs at the Gene Farm

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

'I can't get the hang of this cloud computing...'

'When did 'At Ease' become 'Chill'?'

The four major food groups.

'I don't surf the net, I just kind of dog-paddle through it.'

'Let's try again but NO laughing this time!'

Snow Surgery

'I can't decide whether to get a lawyer or tell the truth.'

'I was going to hunt for them. Then I thought hey - why not just clone new ones!'

"I'll take a latte with Mocha, Vanilla, Caramel, Hazelnut, Cinnamon, Chai, White Chocolate, Pumpkin Spice, Gingerbread, Butterscotch and Marshmallow. Hold the whipped cream, I'm on a diet."

Captain Ahab receives a Dick pic

"A good rule of thumb is, if you can't lift it, don't eat it."

'Yes, that's all - isn't 1500 calories enough?'

"Sure-fire weight loss program."