Dietary Doomsayer Gifts

The End IS Near

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"Each order comes with 10 minutes of free guilt counseling."

"Charles didn't like tofu."

'I won't tell my thighs if you don't..'

'Yes, the treestand's maximum weight capacity is 300 pounds, you weigh 301 pounds.'

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

Man opens refrigerator which promptly burps.

Dieting Motivation.

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

"If we crunch the numbers, it should have zero calories."

"What do you have that won't kill me?"

Woman weighing herself while holding balloons

'Please help mommy lose some weight. She gets grumpy when she's on a diet that's not working.'

'I'll have one regular cheese-burger from column 'A', and one negative-calories cheese-burger from column 'B'.'

'The doctor said my body is 40% fat. These cookies are only 20% fat. That's got to help.'

"You've got to eat less, exercise more and try to stay out of trouble. You're not fit to stand trial."

Woman leaves a stick of dynamite on her weighing scales and runs away

Shrink

'Here's a good one, France on 2000 calories a day.'

'The doctor said my body is 40% fat. These cookies are only 20% fat. That's got to help.'

'Will we ever get a morning-after pill for over-eating?'

'You are being haunted by the spirit of a slimmer, trimmer, you.'

Gym. Whatever weight I manage to lose here I always seem to find on my way home. Donuts.

"Wheatgrass is highly effective at neutralizing joy."

Error in low-fat pizza design.

'So, how did the crash diet go?'

"I do diet...between snacks."

Genie.

"Why don't we skip the falafel bar, Sinbad."

'Three days, four different avoidance routines.'

'You know that thin person inside you, struggling to get out? -- He seems to have gained weight, too.'

"Buy them - and never look back."

"I avoid the 3 'Bs' when I'm dieting - boxes, buckets and bags."