Diet Dreamer Gifts

Woman weighing herself while holding balloons

'Please help mommy lose some weight. She gets grumpy when she's on a diet that's not working.'

'I need to lose enough pounds to take a thirty-five meal cruise!'

'Yes,your feet are still there!'

Talking scale

'My 30-day diet is taking longer than I expected -- I only have time for it on the weekends.'

'It's a new diet. We can eat all we want. But we have to wear boxing gloves.'

A woman rides a treadmill as she chases a cookie jar on a refridgerator.

"You asked me to keep a food diary, this is last week's!"

Food for thought.

"I do diet...between snacks."

'I've set up a savings account where I deposit a pound every time I stop myself buying chocolate. It's overdrawn.'

'... But, in the end that diet will fail, too.'

Man to man: 'Before, all I could think about was food. On this fitness plan, they've turned my thinking completely around. Now all I think about is doof.'

Temptation.

A fridge surrounded by books.

Billy strip: mum's diet (wishful shrinking).

"You could run the weight off. . . 168,000 miles should do it."

'You wish you were ten pounds lighter?... Is that all?'

"I expect those extra pounds are the huge weight of this diet book."

"I think I need to diet. I have to binge watch just to look at all of me."

"I guarantee that your appetite will be suppressed if you take just one of these diet pills per day."

"That does it! I'm going on a diet! Baldo, hide these pastries where I can't find them."

"So how did you get on with that all-pineapple diet. . . ?"

"So you're going to eat a whole pizza?"

Exit. My problem is restaurants have drive-throughs, and fitness centers don't. (Published originally on September 22, 2011.)

Doctor to pig: 'You've been pigging out on pan pizzas, eh? I'm taking you off square meals.'

'Well, if I weigh that much after only putting one foot on, I don't think I have the courage to continue!'

Dieting Motivation.

'You are being haunted by the spirit of a slimmer, trimmer, you.'

'You know that thin person inside you, struggling to get out? -- He seems to have gained weight, too.'

"Big deal about your weight loss advice! I lost my christmas job at Wal-Mart!"

Woman's shadow affecting scales.

Some things just aren't meant to be.

'Three days, four different avoidance routines.'