Diet Witticist Gifts

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"Two vegans, please."

"Each order comes with 10 minutes of free guilt counseling."

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

"What do you have that won't kill me?"

'The customer is always right...'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

'Apparently the nutrients and the additives cancel each other out.'

"Well, then - two apples a day."

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

Error in low-fat pizza design.

'What kind of quack is he? No pills, no special diets! He just believes in will power!'

'It's a simple matter of checks and balances: your waistline has spread and your brain has shrunk.'

Complex Carbs

'You'll like this. It has no nutritional value at all.'

'He wanted to know if anyone had ever brought out a keep-fat video.'

'What a relief to find out that fewer calories don't add up to longevity.'

Lite Beer.

'Let me introduce my biggest supporter, a real whale of a guy, a huge fan..'

"I just want to know if I'm healthy enough for bacon?"

'I try to eat a varied diet. One day I'll eat dark chocolate, one day I'll eat white chocolate and one day I'll eat milk chocolate.'