Weight Loss Witticist Gifts

A man goes to the toilet and loses weight in the process.

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

'The doctor said my body is 40% fat. These cookies are only 20% fat. That's got to help.'

"Well, then - two apples a day."

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

Weight Gain Denial

'Look! A rock hard body in 90 days!'

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

The real reason salad aids weight loss

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

"Is it working?"

"I'm having you fitted with a monitoring device that will help reduce blood glucose during meals by automatically signaling the brain to reduce food absorption. It's called a belt."

'Step One...a pie chart is not dessert.'

'Live there? I might as well wear it on my hips!'

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'I'm on a strict diet... so no pie charts.'

'It's the 'start tomorrow' diet. I've stuck to it religiously for 12 years.'

"Will I be searched for chocolate when I board?"

"Imagine bread is a lot like the sun...It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist."

"My doctor said I needed to go on a diet. . . Yes, to a new doctor!"

'I think I just blew my diet. Do you know what the glycemic index is for a communion host?'

'It's commendable that you only ate one slice of pizza, but when you're only cutting it in half...'

"I'm a weight-loss motivator. I tell people that if they don't eat right and exercise, they will look like me."