Weight Loss Witticist Pillows

A man goes to the toilet and loses weight in the process.

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

'The doctor said my body is 40% fat. These cookies are only 20% fat. That's got to help.'

"Well, then - two apples a day."

'Look! A rock hard body in 90 days!'

"Whoa. Have you lost weight, professor?"

Weight Gain Denial

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Before and After Holiday Diet

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

"Turns out it was all water weight."

"Is it working?"

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

'Relax! I just read somewhere that 142 pounds is the new 125!'

"I'm having you fitted with a monitoring device that will help reduce blood glucose during meals by automatically signaling the brain to reduce food absorption. It's called a belt."

The real reason salad aids weight loss

Squirrels eating different types of nuts.

'Step One...a pie chart is not dessert.'

'Live there? I might as well wear it on my hips!'

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'I'm on a strict diet... so no pie charts.'

"Imagine bread is a lot like the sun...It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist."

"My doctor said I needed to go on a diet. . . Yes, to a new doctor!"

'Great. Looks like I'll be packing on more weight.'

"Will I be searched for chocolate when I board?"

Ernie's on a high-protein diet and craving foods he can't have. They're creeping into everything he says. Whatcha watching, Ernie? I'm trying to decide between "Game of Scones" and that zombie show, "The Walking Bread." Later I might watch some "Dancing with the Starch." Ernie, leave room for that political drama you enjoy so much. Oh yeah, I love binging on "House of Carbs"!

'It's the 'start tomorrow' diet. I've stuck to it religiously for 12 years.'

"I'm a weight-loss motivator. I tell people that if they don't eat right and exercise, they will look like me."

'I think I just blew my diet. Do you know what the glycemic index is for a communion host?'

'It's commendable that you only ate one slice of pizza, but when you're only cutting it in half...'