Culinary Witticist Gifts

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

Soup of the month.

"That's it. We’re toast."

"O young, naive one...you must know the golden rule of the kitchen. To avoid the mother of all disrespects...never criticize the cooking of a family elder."

"‘Extra vile old ox’? No, sir – it stands for ‘extra virgin olive oil.’"

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'The Burrito King.'

We are shaped by what we love! Especially pizza and doughnuts!

Recipes from the Jean-Paul Sartre Cookbook

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

The Origins of Everything

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

"Bob takes everything with a grain of salt...and pepper...and garlic..."

'Muriel's philosophy is that what happens in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen.'

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"

"What happened to the thin crust guy I married?"

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

I don't know what happened to the poor guy, but he's visibly shaken.

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

Where Deviled Eggs come from

'The following programme contains scones of a sexual nature.'

'10,000 years and no one's improved on the idea of meat on a stick!'

A Pirate Egg Prisoner about to Walk the Plank into a boiling pot of water