Culinary Witticist T-Shirts

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

"That's it. We’re toast."

Soup of the month.

"‘Extra vile old ox’? No, sir – it stands for ‘extra virgin olive oil.’"

"O young, naive one...you must know the golden rule of the kitchen. To avoid the mother of all disrespects...never criticize the cooking of a family elder."

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'The Burrito King.'

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

Recipes from the Jean-Paul Sartre Cookbook

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

The Origins of Everything

"Bob takes everything with a grain of salt...and pepper...and garlic..."

'Muriel's philosophy is that what happens in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen.'

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"

"What happened to the thin crust guy I married?"

'The following programme contains scones of a sexual nature.'

Where Deviled Eggs come from

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

'10,000 years and no one's improved on the idea of meat on a stick!'

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

A Pirate Egg Prisoner about to Walk the Plank into a boiling pot of water