Culinary Satirist T-Shirts

"How would Sire like his heretic: rare, medium or well done?"

Factory foods calling their food 'home baked'.

Outsaucing - A dollop of sauce has been put on a customer's plate from a long arm from afar.

'That can't be a fly, I used them all in the meatloaf.'

'People soup again?'

...becoming a restaurant critic

'Tonight you will be enjoying Howard, a happily raised free range chicken slaughtered no ten miles from here. He is accompanied by his wife, Lily, who ironically sautes opposite your own wife.'

Man buying 'Caviar Wiz'

'The Cod's off, but you can have whale and chips.'

Hot Dog... Flavored meat-like substances

Confucious Say: 'He who strangles the cook will not eat the scones.'

Russian leader Putin

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

"Jamie Oliver, Gordon Ramsey, Master Chef, The Hairy Bikers and Bake Off - that's your five a day - now get to bed!"

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

"And here you have a brown thing next to something greenish, with some sort of brown runny stuff underneath it."

"Would you like fries with that?"

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

"Yuck. I could make better crêpes fourrées aux boeufs brouillés au parmesan myself."

Romania bans the riding of bicycles on all roads.

Truth in hotdog advertising: Meat bi-products in a tube: 'I feel naked without my bun!'

'You young folk just aren't interested in real cooking, are you?'

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

"I really prefer the place across the street. The cockroaches are smaller."

"I used to be a foodie. Now I'm a fussy glutton."

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

"They stuff what where?!"

"Served with the iconic topping of lettuce, tomato and onion."

Factory Second Food

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

"That's it. We’re toast."

Soup of the month.