Gourmet Satirist T-Shirts

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

"Two vegans, please."

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

'Lets all thank Martha for her very innovative 'Hot Dog Crepes'.'

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

'Our guest tonight certainly needs no introduction.'

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

"I like my steak well done."

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

"And here you have a brown thing next to something greenish, with some sort of brown runny stuff underneath it."

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

'The chef's hat was delicious! But the hair...'

'No, I don't have a favorite. Dung is dung.'

The real reason salad aids weight loss

"Gimme a double burger between two burgers. And hold the lettuce; it only dilutes the experience."

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

'People soup again?'

"We've gone 'Glutton-Free'."

The mushroom pickers

"What will change my life?"

Outsaucing - A dollop of sauce has been put on a customer's plate from a long arm from afar.

Hot Dog... Flavored meat-like substances

"There is some evidence that chocolate can be good for you... But the health benefits tend to fade after the first 20 kilos."

"Some volcano roll!"

The Puffin Restaurant: Today's special - regurgitated sand eels