Kitchen Satirist T-Shirts

'What goes with burnt toast and watery eggs?'

"Gimme a double burger between two burgers. And hold the lettuce; it only dilutes the experience."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

Soup of the month.

"That's it. We’re toast."

'Like death by salad.'

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'

Wok. Don't Wok.

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

Clyde in his 'egg-beater.'

"Five hamburgers with buns, three hamburgers without buns and two buns, without hamburgers."

"I hope you won't repent afterwards, Vicar, It's a devilishly hot vindaloo!"

'White smoke means she decided what to cook. Black smoke means it's done.'

'When you asked me over for a home-cooked meal, I assumed you'd be making it.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"I flunked out of cooking school. Even the dog won't eat my homework."

"Our cook is new, so ge's Googling what goes on a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich as we speak."

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

Chef uses Harp to cut Sausages

'I was in the catering corps.'

'Does this thing get channel four.'

"....And then chuck the whole lot in the dustbin and phone for a take-away."

The Complete Spaghetti Dinner.

"Larry, what's the weather forecast?" "Let me ask you something. Did you make waffles this morning? Because someone had maple syrup on their hands, and I seem to recall a hand moving me... a pretty, pretty, pretty sticky hand..."

'It's all homemade.'

"So why do you need a ladder to make pancakes?"

"Looks like it's time to make the banana bread."

Chef copy robot

'Dinner will be ready soon -- the submarine sandwiches are soaking now.'

"How would you like your steak sir—really well done or raw? We've got a new chef."