Dietary Advice Humorist Gifts

"Well, then - two apples a day."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

'The customer is always right...'

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

Exit. My problem is restaurants have drive-throughs, and fitness centers don't.

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

'I warned you about stuffing yourself with carbs, didn't I?'

"30 million cookies and thousands of gallons of milk all in one night? Yes, I'd say we've got dietary issues to address."

I grew up vegetarian. Wow. That takes work to stay strong. What motivates you? Hey, lettuce brain! Peer pressure.

"My doctor told me to get outdoors more, so now I put on more yard sales."

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

Weight Gain Denial

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Before and After Holiday Diet

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'It's a simple matter of checks and balances: your waistline has spread and your brain has shrunk.'

Spanx Tells Me No

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'You'll like this. It has no nutritional value at all.'

"Is it working?"

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

The real reason salad aids weight loss

'92 elements in the Universe and you always have to chuck the compound NaCl all over your dinner!'

Maybe yuou simply have too many omega 3 fatty acids

'I try to eat a varied diet. One day I'll eat dark chocolate, one day I'll eat white chocolate and one day I'll eat milk chocolate.'

Squirrels eating different types of nuts.