Healthy Eating Humorist Gifts

'I'll have the tuna-fish salad but I want you to bring me sausage, egg, bacon, beans and chips by mistake.'

Spanx Tells Me No

"Diet Meal Calories: 5 calories when prepared so it's edible: 5000."

"Our Summer Citrus IPA contains your full daily requirement of fruit and fiber."

"First Lady Lettuce goes missing, then Colonel Crouton followed by Reginald Radish... Great Caesar's Ghost! Someone is making a salad!"

10K Run: Smoker's Lane.

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'The customer is always right...'

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

Fishing rod coming out of a health farm towards a hot dog stand.

Health

"I've been on a diet for 5 weeks and can safely tell you that I've lost 5 weeks."

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

Exit. My problem is restaurants have drive-throughs, and fitness centers don't.

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

"I've had enough sweets for one day."

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

'I warned you about stuffing yourself with carbs, didn't I?'

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"Well, then - two apples a day."

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

"Do you realize what the sodium content of this water is?"

Snowman with big carrot nose to one with small carrot nose: 'I'd increase your beta carotene.'

"30 million cookies and thousands of gallons of milk all in one night? Yes, I'd say we've got dietary issues to address."

New anti-obesity cookbook.