Nutrition Humorist Gifts

Dramatic readings of food labels.

'Finish your ice cream, young man, or no salad.'

"Well, at least you won't need to take your potato vitamins tonight."

"A varied and well-balanced diet is vital to healthy and stress-free living�"

'Crickets are chock full of carbs!'

"Jelly beans do NOT count as veggies!"

"He was born with a plastic straw in his mouth."

"30 million cookies and thousands of gallons of milk all in one night? Yes, I'd say we've got dietary issues to address."

"Our Summer Citrus IPA contains your full daily requirement of fruit and fiber."

10K Run: Smoker's Lane.

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

Vending machines with junk food: 'Zing!', 'Zoom!' and 'Crash!'

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

'The customer is always right...'

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

You are what you eat (Nuts).

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

Exit. My problem is restaurants have drive-throughs, and fitness centers don't.

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

"I've had enough sweets for one day."

'I warned you about stuffing yourself with carbs, didn't I?'

"Well, then - two apples a day."

"Do you realize what the sodium content of this water is?"

I grew up vegetarian. Wow. That takes work to stay strong. What motivates you? Hey, lettuce brain! Peer pressure.

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

Weight Gain Denial

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Before and After Holiday Diet