Cynical Buyer Buddy Gifts

'I know nothing about cars. Is this a good lemon?'

"I need a pitchfork that's just a pitchfork."

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

'These smart pills are overpriced!"

Cash Rebate

"They're willing to throw in their kidneys."

Garage Sales Anonymous

"Every complaint should be seen as a learning opportunity, today you’re going to learn where to hide them."

'A new concept. The inside out house.'

"Grandma is included in the purchase price."

Car Dealer

"We met on Agnostic Rendezvous."

Would you like it engraved? Yes please put to my one and only love. That way if we break up and she throws it back at me, I can use it on someone else.

'Mr. Jones? I've found a house that fits your funds perfectly! It even has a little garden!'

'No windows. You wouldn't want windows in a town like this.'

"Baldo, I don't need advice on looking cool in a new car."

"Can you see it, Bob? Green grass, warm breeze, flip flops. . . spring is coming!"

"This model is priced higher, but it comes with glow-in-the-dark stars."

"Your mother is receiving top quality care and attention."

"Hello. . . Police? We've been burgled! The bastards have taken all of our soap, hand sanitiser and toilet rolls!"

Igloo For Sale: No Termites! NO Carpenter ants! NO fleas! No mice! No rats! Absolutely pest free!

"I'm not investing a penny into the high street!"

"Of course I'm after your money, you haven't got anything else."

HELLth-care Insurance

"Waiting for some customers to call?!"

'What - the whole house is flooded? Great! I take it!'

House for free - 'Too much'!

"And I suppose you believe everything you read?"

'Oh no! Not another customer looking for a mortgage...'

Hooray, Sid - civilisation at last!'

"I know the government's carrying part of the risk, but I'm not sure Mr.Cameron knows much about plumbing."

"Well, I'm not sure, it wasn't in the least bit damp"

Been looking at some used cars, Ernie? In the beginning there was Hyundai Genesis. Then I saw a Mitsubishi Mirage, but it disappeared before I could get a closer look. I was considering a Dodge Charger but it relocated to Los Angeles. And a Bronco was too many bucks for me. Then I found a great Ford Escape to buy. But in the morning the garage door was broken and it was gone. I think the universe is telling me to stick with my bike.

"I think you'll find this home has real storybook charm."