First-time Buyer Humorist Gifts

"I know the government's carrying part of the risk, but I'm not sure Mr.Cameron knows much about plumbing."

'And if you look to your left between the condos and the ABD store, you can see the ocean.'

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

Do you mind if we stop calling this a "starter house" now?

Tidy it up for the open house, and it wouldn't hurt to put out some freshly regurgitated worms. For sale.

'. . .actually I'm not a real Guru, I was forced up here originally by the property prices.'

'Is the fire included?'

An exaggeration of estate agents

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

'Now from this room you can get a great view of the whales going by!'

'We do have a property in your price range, but we need a time machine to go back and visit it!'

'Now, it does require some modernisation. . . .'

'The only means of access was via the previous tenant's hair. But not to worry, there's a ladder 'round the back.'

"Efficiency tombs available"

"The high price is due to the great view of the beach."

"I've downsized."

'It seems good, and he said the bit at the bottom is the name of the architect.'

See the house whose property taxes were raised

"The bank rejected my application for a 2nd mortgage. They said they didn't have 1 in my size."

'If straw and sticks don't appeal, I do have something in brick that might interest you.'

"The only thing we seem to have in your price range is a bird box in Billericay."

"As president of the tenants' association, I have to inform you that our list of grievances has been eaten."

"For sale £470,000 house included"

'It mostly scares the realtors.'

"Every once in a while this house comes with a pool."

"We figured why not make some money while we migrate south."

"Come climate change, you could find yourself sitting beach-front on the French riviera."

"Yes, it's nice, but it's lost twenty per-cent of its value in the past year."

"I know the schools are great, but is this really the house we want to ride out the apocalypse in?"

'Three words doc, why you should buy...dislocation,dislocation,dislocation.'

'I'm so glad I moved into this basement flat Mary. It's put me on the property ladder and the neighbours are so friendly!'

"It's a bit of a fixer-upper."

'Cosy little kitchen, isn't it?'

Toughing it out in the real estate game.

"We're thinking of downsizing."