Current Events Avoider Pillows

"I'm actually looking forward to age-related hearing loss."

Department of No One Could Have Anticipated.

Schengen

British savings accounts

Build your very own conflict of interest!

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

We Tenatively Oppose War on Strictly Procedural Grounds

National Everything Awareness Day

Donald Trump Removing Aggressor Label From Vladimir Putin

"The best part is that we got hell to pay for it."

Health Advisory: Flint Water has lead, Ann Arbor water has dioxane.

'Thank heavens! For a minute there I thought it was the news!'

"Gas. Regular. Premium. Super. You don’t want to know."

"Everyone stay calm, if we don't upset it maybe it won't start shooting."

Government a la Carte

Laughingstock

There's a crew here from 60 minutes and they're coming this way.

Turkish Democracy

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."

Taking Credit after Voting against Stimulus

Roe v. Wade

New Flavors at Where's the Scoop Ice Cream

"As I see it, 'Crazy politics' - like not voting on a supreme court nominee - is better than a complete government shutdown."

"America’s leaders since 1980"

Armageddon

Russia Money Laundering

SAGE mentality

"Sir, multiple people were stabbed by a terrorist in..."

Vladimir Putin Pulling Trump Across The Table By His Tie

Sybil Obama

'...and this time Gerald, don't refer to the RBS as the Ripoff Bonus Scheme!'

'Apologists today said little white lies -- but not the big lie -- may have played a part in Iraq Policies....'

"New court filings. Totally clears the President. Thank you." "Actually, sir, it, uh, says you did crime and might go to jail."

"Hang in there everyone—we promise a cute animal story at the end."

Reporter #6: television.