Couple Jokester Pillows

"It's cardio day for me and external-obliques day for Joan."

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

'Why can't he just say 'I do'?'

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

Wind Tunnel of Love.

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

'And thanks be to the lord that we're going out to eat on Friday...'

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

"So yeah - This is my ideal first date."

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

'They were all out of roses.'

'Did you fart, sweetie?'

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

"What are you trying to tell me, girl? Are you hungry? You’re not hungry? The squirrels are skinny-dipping in the pool? Cats are making a hook rug out of your bed? You dug up Jimmy Hoffa?!" "Mitch liked messing with his dog's head."

'How should I know how things are at home, I moved into the pub a month ago.'

"I'm sorry Jayne, but I've got cold feet."

Consenting Adults.

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

'To begin with, he's from Mars, I'm from Venus...'

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

Bride of Frankenstein charges her phone

"Well, he is at the age now here the repairs are starting to happen. Very quickly the cost exceeds the benefit. You better think about a new one."

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

'Why can't you just think irrationally every once in a while?'

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

'Darling, this is my ex. You know, the one I said you were twice the man of.'

'What, not even a kiss first?'

"If I'd known, I would've changed my vows to; Until bald and fat do we part."

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"