Marriage Jokester Pillows

'Mom, would you have married Dad if you had seen him in high definition first?'

'I do. Just don't let it go to your head.'

"When you say 'Do we have enough life insurance?' I assume you mean me."

"Then my wife said it wouldn't kill me to go to the ballet with her."

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

"If he doesn't get his way he cries all night. Husbands are all alike."

"Are you seeing another woman, Harry?"

"Is this your subtle way of telling me that I forgot to change the toilet roll?"

"Oh yes, it all has to be about you, doesn't it? The finger nail I broke getting here isn't important, is it?"

"No, I'm not on a diet! It's just that my husband is not a good provider!"

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

'I need stronger sleeping pills for the wife. She wakes up during the day!'

'We both know that you didn't catch that in the wild, sweety. Now put the fish in the cart, and go grab us some of that really soft toilet paper.'

'I should warn you -- I don't have any tattoos.'

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

Woman's remote control works on husband.

"Tell me, have you ever been in a church prior to getting married?"

'My pre-nuptial agreement reads, she's too good for me, but will marry me anyway!'

Bob's Marriage Advice: 'Let me give you some advice on marriage, Joe. . . try to think of me as the pope. . .'

'Your husband has a condition known as 'frozen shoulder syndrome.'' 'That explains why he's always giving me the cold shoulder.'

'My wife and I had words last night, only I never got to use mine!'

'Stop grinding your teeth and rolling your eyes, what is it you're reading?'

'I'm glad that you found it dear. Of course it was in the 'last place you looked' or you'd still be searching. . .'

'...I now pronounce you man and wife. You may assume the position.'

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

Wife: 'I have a bone to pick with you.' Solomon (flippantly) 'With pleasure, my dear, so long as it's not a funny bone!'

"...and after the first year, it's only a month to month commitment."

Ring. If that's your wife, I'm not here.

'Of course I'll still love you when you're old and skinny!'

Einstein's T-Shirt reads: My Wife Doesn't Understand Me.

A couple dressed as a knife and a fork

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

'And thanks be to the lord that we're going out to eat on Friday...'

'Actually, I do mind wearing your pedometer!'

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"