Married Life Jokester Pillows

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

"Officer, I know I was swerving all over the road, but I've bee fighting an incredible glare."

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

'And thanks be to the lord that we're going out to eat on Friday...'

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

'They were all out of roses.'

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

"I'm sorry Jayne, but I've got cold feet."

'Did you fart, sweetie?'

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

'Darling, this is my ex. You know, the one I said you were twice the man of.'

'Why Walter!! Are you getting fresh?!!'

"If I'd known, I would've changed my vows to; Until bald and fat do we part."

"When I'm with you, Ted, I feel dirty."

"You know you're getting old when you need a hearing aid to hear your bones creak."

"Well, he is at the age now here the repairs are starting to happen. Very quickly the cost exceeds the benefit. You better think about a new one."

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

'I'm leaving my wife because of another woman. Her mother.'

'Why can't you just think irrationally every once in a while?'

'Mom, would you have married Dad if you had seen him in high definition first?'

"I figured you'd end up looking like that."

'Is this what you're looking for, dear?'

"It's cardio day for me and external-obliques day for Joan."

'...I now pronounce you man and wife. You may assume the position.'

'I should warn you -- I don't have any tattoos.'

"Even after all these years, I still find it very exciting using my vote to cancel out your father's."

"Please yourself, I'll add salt if you like but I'm only dyeing a pair of socks..."

"Tell me, have you ever been in a church prior to getting married?"

"We constantly argue, go days without talking, and the sex is virtually non-existent."

"I hate her snoring, especially during sex."