Married Life Jokester Pillows

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

"Officer, I know I was swerving all over the road, but I've bee fighting an incredible glare."

Einstein's T-Shirt reads: My Wife Doesn't Understand Me.

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

'And thanks be to the lord that we're going out to eat on Friday...'

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

'They were all out of roses.'

'Did you fart, sweetie?'

"I'm sorry Jayne, but I've got cold feet."

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

'Why can't you just think irrationally every once in a while?'

"When I'm with you, Ted, I feel dirty."

"If I'd known, I would've changed my vows to; Until bald and fat do we part."

"Well, he is at the age now here the repairs are starting to happen. Very quickly the cost exceeds the benefit. You better think about a new one."

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

"You know you're getting old when you need a hearing aid to hear your bones creak."

'Why Walter!! Are you getting fresh?!!'

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

'Darling, this is my ex. You know, the one I said you were twice the man of.'

'I'm leaving my wife because of another woman. Her mother.'

'Mom, would you have married Dad if you had seen him in high definition first?'

"I figured you'd end up looking like that."

"Oh man...I'm so sorrry...I just keep thinking that someday, we'll be together... But, it's totally wrong to assume all my dreams will come true."

'Is this what you're looking for, dear?'

"It's cardio day for me and external-obliques day for Joan."

"Don't like your present? Fine. Give it to me - I'll wear the diamond earrings."

"Tell me, have you ever been in a church prior to getting married?"

"What are you doing in the box? You're meant to be in the dog house"

"Please yourself, I'll add salt if you like but I'm only dyeing a pair of socks..."

"We constantly argue, go days without talking, and the sex is virtually non-existent."

'...I now pronounce you man and wife. You may assume the position.'