Just Married Jokester Pillows

Bridegroom asks if he can ask the audience.

'...I now pronounce you man and wife -- the ball's in your court.'

'I had my attorney draw this up. It states that if I choose to rise, I don't necessarily have to shine.'

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

'And thanks be to the lord that we're going out to eat on Friday...'

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

'They were all out of roses.'

"OK, now what?"

'And do you promise to be the one out of two marriages that does not end in divorce.'

'How should I know how things are at home, I moved into the pub a month ago.'

"I'm sorry Jayne, but I've got cold feet."

'Did you fart, sweetie?'

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

"If I'd known, I would've changed my vows to; Until bald and fat do we part."

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

"Well, he is at the age now here the repairs are starting to happen. Very quickly the cost exceeds the benefit. You better think about a new one."

'Darling, this is my ex. You know, the one I said you were twice the man of.'

'Why can't you just think irrationally every once in a while?'

"When I'm with you, Ted, I feel dirty."

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

'Just a doctor! I thought you were a specialist!'

'Mom, would you have married Dad if you had seen him in high definition first?'

"We've only been married three years and she's already giving me gbh of the ear 'oles."

Better or worse and richer or poorer are NOT choices!

'May I leave early today, Sir? The market is down and my wife is alone...'

"Take your mother for example. She's not much to look at, but she's darn handy with the cookware."

"Oh man...I'm so sorrry...I just keep thinking that someday, we'll be together... But, it's totally wrong to assume all my dreams will come true."

'Is this what you're looking for, dear?'

Facebook.

"Anything to declare aside from ever-lasting love and devotion to each other?"

"It's cardio day for me and external-obliques day for Joan."

"Tell me, have you ever been in a church prior to getting married?"