Just Married Jokester Pillows

Bridegroom asks if he can ask the audience.

'...I now pronounce you man and wife -- the ball's in your court.'

'I had my attorney draw this up. It states that if I choose to rise, I don't necessarily have to shine.'

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

'And thanks be to the lord that we're going out to eat on Friday...'

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

'They were all out of roses.'

"OK, now what?"

'And do you promise to be the one out of two marriages that does not end in divorce.'

"I'm sorry Jayne, but I've got cold feet."

'Did you fart, sweetie?'

'How should I know how things are at home, I moved into the pub a month ago.'

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

'Why can't you just think irrationally every once in a while?'

"When I'm with you, Ted, I feel dirty."

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"Well, he is at the age now here the repairs are starting to happen. Very quickly the cost exceeds the benefit. You better think about a new one."

"If I'd known, I would've changed my vows to; Until bald and fat do we part."

'Darling, this is my ex. You know, the one I said you were twice the man of.'

'Just a doctor! I thought you were a specialist!'

'Mom, would you have married Dad if you had seen him in high definition first?'

Better or worse and richer or poorer are NOT choices!

"We've only been married three years and she's already giving me gbh of the ear 'oles."

'May I leave early today, Sir? The market is down and my wife is alone...'

'Is this what you're looking for, dear?'

"Anything to declare aside from ever-lasting love and devotion to each other?"

"It's cardio day for me and external-obliques day for Joan."

Snowmen go on their honeymoon to Miami.

"Tell me, have you ever been in a church prior to getting married?"

'...I now pronounce you man and wife. You may assume the position.'