Jokester's Spouse Pillows

Woman on a pedestal who married the practical joker.

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

'Why can't he just say 'I do'?'

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

'And thanks be to the lord that we're going out to eat on Friday...'

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

'They were all out of roses.'

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

'Did you fart, sweetie?'

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

'How should I know how things are at home, I moved into the pub a month ago.'

"Trust me, son, if there was a monster under your bed I would have claimed it as a dependent by now."

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

'What, not even a kiss first?'

"If I'd known, I would've changed my vows to; Until bald and fat do we part."

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"Well, he is at the age now here the repairs are starting to happen. Very quickly the cost exceeds the benefit. You better think about a new one."

'Darling, this is my ex. You know, the one I said you were twice the man of.'

Acme Flyswatters.

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

'Why can't you just think irrationally every once in a while?'

"When I'm with you, Ted, I feel dirty."

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

'Mom, would you have married Dad if you had seen him in high definition first?'

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'