Jokester Dad Pillows

"Trust me, son, if there was a monster under your bed I would have claimed it as a dependent by now."

Why there are moms

The Impractical Guide to Babies: 'Give us a toot...'

'Dad, is it true that before we had hard drive crashes, the dog used to eat your homework?'

My Dad vs. Your Dad Today.

'How many times have I told you not to talk with your mouth full?'

'Dad! What time is it when the big hand is on eight and the little hand is all over the floor?'

"Your kind of course, dad."

"I'm grounded. I forgot to delete the car's computer history after we did those crop circles on Earth."

"I think the most rewarding part of caring for elderly parents is when they call you because they don't want to bother the 9-1-1 people."

Clown teaches how to speak Jibberish

"Do you honestly believe we evolved from a single snow flake?"

"Be patient. He'll have to visit the water cooler sooner or later."

'How are the ventriloquist lessons going?'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"Four years of dental school only to tell all my patients 'Don't worry about any tooth issues - they'll just fall out and be replaced, anyway'."

If a bunch of crazy red headed clowns come out that door...Run like you've never ran before!

Clown throws a bucket of confetti over car at 'Jimbo's carwash'.

'Ok, here comes farmer Brown, put these on and remember.......act natural!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

'Alright, which one of you wise guys pulled the fire alarm?'

'I have much less stress since I replaced my in box with a paper shredder.'

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

''Yeah, mine's a rescue dog too.''

Rusty, not believing in God, seized his chance...

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

'That's one hell of a cat-flap Harry. You must have a big cat, heh, heh.'

'Colin's dying to show you how his renewable energy scheme works.'

"I've got writer's block."

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"Will you listen to the same three anecdotes until one of you dies?"

"We hang like this for the incredible ab workout."

'Believe me, Mr, Hart, Laughter really is the best medicine,'