Dad Jokester Pillows

'Hey Pops.'

"So, you're the blind date! Listen, if it doesn't work out with my Lisa, just comeback: she has 27 sisters...."

'This mandarin chicken is delicious, Dad. It tastes like you bought it yourself.'

Cry babies.

"I think the most rewarding part of caring for elderly parents is when they call you because they don't want to bother the 9-1-1 people."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"Awww man. My nuts are so old they're wrinkled." "Tell me about it."

Baby sees bottle with math formula marked, 'Baby Formula'.

Rusty, not believing in God, seized his chance...

Raised by Dogs

'Roy! For the last time, don't wave that red one in front of your Dad.'

'He's bound to wake up sometime!'

"Adopted? It's cute how you think we would've picked you."

'Ever since I've started showing, my husband has affectionately called me 'Three Humps'...'

"What do you call a person who only eats corn?"

Nobody mourned Sir Dad-Joke.

"Look, honey, I got dinner on line!"

Next to Nothing

"I love my new tie! I'll wear it to work tomorrow." "The report'll be done shortly." "Excellent!"

'That's a picture of my granddad with shoulder length hair and a beard. That's why mom calls these albums hair looms.'

"Right now, grandmom's bark is definitely worse than her bite!"

Hammer and chisel discussing what they've been doing, chisel says; 'Oh you know, getting into a few scrapes.'

Turn off your car stereo before trying to start your kid's car.

MUM! I'll take the dog for a walk!

"At home there's a fish, a cat, a dog, me, and a big sister."

"Get me away from this crazy person..."

"Bad news. Your use-by date was a month ago."

"Sure was a lot of screaming for the happiest day of your life."

'I AM a magician! When I wake up granddad from his nap, I turn Gramps into Grumps!'

Note Book

"How much did it cost to have your ears pierced?"

"It's a dependent!"

"And try not to spill Daddy's Martini, Caleb."

'How's daddy's little deductions doing?'

"OK...what's the quickest way to the hospital?"