Dad Jokes Pillows

"Sure was a lot of screaming for the happiest day of your life."

"And I thought changing the twins was going to be difficult!"

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

Cry babies.

"Awww man. My nuts are so old they're wrinkled." "Tell me about it."

'He's bound to wake up sometime!'

Nobody mourned Sir Dad-Joke.

"What do you call a person who only eats corn?"

"Look, honey, I got dinner on line!"

Next to Nothing

"I love my new tie! I'll wear it to work tomorrow." "The report'll be done shortly." "Excellent!"

'That's a picture of my granddad with shoulder length hair and a beard. That's why mom calls these albums hair looms.'

Hammer and chisel discussing what they've been doing, chisel says; 'Oh you know, getting into a few scrapes.'

"Bad news. Your use-by date was a month ago."

Note Book

"How much did it cost to have your ears pierced?"

"It's a dependent!"

"I don't think the crackling sound coming from your lower back is as serious as you thought. Just relax and I'll have this Rice Krispie Square out of your back pocket in no time."

Looky... It's Bat'minton... I'll see myself out."

"OK...what's the quickest way to the hospital?"

"Is this fake noodle." "Yes, impasta."

"Congratulations! You've told the same joke one thousand times!"

'The brown one that smells like an old man.'

"Okay, I'll change your diaper, but you better not tell any of my patients."

"I don't ever want you taken away, son. Never get into subtraction."

"Have you seen my wife?"

"No sign of Simba?"

Child on a schedule.

'Dad, I need help with chemistry, what's the periodic table?'

"Sergio, you are the best father in the world. Except, you know, when you're not."

'Must you find fault every time she brings a boyfriend home?'

'In this rare photo of President Bush standing beside former President Clinton, one can't help but notice how the weight of office has grayed their hair.'

"Oh no, the lectern and microphone. I get the feeling I'm getting another one of your boring life lectures."

"What happens if you get the headphones in the wrong ear?"

'This mandarin chicken is delicious, Dad. It tastes like you bought it yourself.'