Couple Critic Gifts

"I do want a threesome, just not with you."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

'Well I wouldn't have to fake orgasms if you didn't fake foreplay!'

"It was your idea to install the TV dish on the church spire"

"Mom, this is Sarah, the friend I was telling you about."

'Huh! You men are all alike!'

'To begin with, he's from Mars, I'm from Venus...'

Bride of Frankenstein charges her phone

'You don't sniff my butt anymore.'

"...as they may share in our joy.", "For we are all as one."

Tunnel of what passes for love these days. Tickets.

"Edgar, I'm talking to you! For goodness sake, has the cat got your tongue?"

Evolution of love

'Separate rooms please, we're on our second honeymoon.'

Applecart - "Its's just there as a reminder!"

'I gave him the best years of my life. That's true. Then we got married.'

'Can't you tell people about our new swimming pool without saying I've 'gone off the deep end?''

'Oh, don't feel bad. They say it happens to all men at some point. But then again, I never did hear of it happening to a bear!'

"A guy can fall in love with a smile, then make the mistake of marrying the whole girl."

'You're becoming so distant, Els!'

"I figured I'd start with one love handle and if you liked it, go for the pair."

'What do you want that for? You're already going nowhere fast.'

'Real Sex is consensual non-cyber + includes conversation.'

'Can I just have the money?'

Second dates are trickier. They ask the same questions as on the first date, looking for inconsistencies.

"Stupid superstitious waste of money - what'd you wish for, a new vacuum?"

We never go out anymore.

"At this point, we're only staying together for the sake of the pets."

"Technically, I don't think you can claim to have saved your husband's life on several occasions just because you haven't killed him!"

'Wait a minute, this prescription is for a dozen oysters and half an ounce of powdered rhino horn!'

Relationship problems.

A man smoking a post-coital cigarette sees a woman leaving a note in a suggestions box.

Messages on T-Shirts: 'I'm wrong always' and 'I'm right always'.

Husband check

'You may not be an ambulance-chaser, but how many divorce lawyers attend every wedding in town?'