Couple Critic Pillows

"I do want a threesome, just not with you."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

'Well I wouldn't have to fake orgasms if you didn't fake foreplay!'

"It was your idea to install the TV dish on the church spire"

"Mom, this is Sarah, the friend I was telling you about."

'To begin with, he's from Mars, I'm from Venus...'

Bride of Frankenstein charges her phone

'You don't sniff my butt anymore.'

"...as they may share in our joy.", "For we are all as one."

'Separate rooms please, we're on our second honeymoon.'

Applecart - "Its's just there as a reminder!"

'Can't you tell people about our new swimming pool without saying I've 'gone off the deep end?''

'I gave him the best years of my life. That's true. Then we got married.'

'Oh, don't feel bad. They say it happens to all men at some point. But then again, I never did hear of it happening to a bear!'

'What do you want that for? You're already going nowhere fast.'

'You're becoming so distant, Els!'

"A guy can fall in love with a smile, then make the mistake of marrying the whole girl."

"I figured I'd start with one love handle and if you liked it, go for the pair."

'Real Sex is consensual non-cyber + includes conversation.'

Second dates are trickier. They ask the same questions as on the first date, looking for inconsistencies.

"At this point, we're only staying together for the sake of the pets."

"Technically, I don't think you can claim to have saved your husband's life on several occasions just because you haven't killed him!"

"Stupid superstitious waste of money - what'd you wish for, a new vacuum?"

'Wait a minute, this prescription is for a dozen oysters and half an ounce of powdered rhino horn!'

A man smoking a post-coital cigarette sees a woman leaving a note in a suggestions box.

Relationship problems.

Messages on T-Shirts: 'I'm wrong always' and 'I'm right always'.

"Click here if you accept his terms and conditions."

'You may not be an ambulance-chaser, but how many divorce lawyers attend every wedding in town?'