Couch Pundit Gifts

"No incumbents were harmed in the passage of this stimulus package...."

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

'Do you think it might be possible that what you wear could be a contributing factor to your relationship problems?'

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

"If you could be any Bob Dylan you wanted to, which Bob Dylan would you be?"

Studies show foods work miracles!

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

"Bloody hell!"

'At least now the injury worries are over, we can concentrate on slagging off the team.'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"Can you hypnotise me into being in shape?"

"All of a dither as per usual!"

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Look, having nuclear - my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at M.I.T. - good genes, very good genes, O.K., very smart. . ."

Trivia Night in Apartment 8-G

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

'John is watching the game under protest.'

"And next up, Fairy Tales: FolkLORE or FolkLIES!"

'What about you...you've been living here thirty years too?'

"You're overthinking it. Sometimes a belly rub is just a belly rub."

'Wow, are all these desserts for here, or are you going to stuff your faces in the privacy of your own home?'

"Fact amnesty"

'Care to join in some of my avoidance behaviour?'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"We subscribe to five streaming services so why are we never able to see the hot new show everybody is raving about?"

Psychiatrist with bust of Freud

"Fancy dyeing your hair white so everyone could see it was you who played a shocker!"

"Scientists confirmed today that everything we know about the structure of the universe is wrongedy-wrong-wrong."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

How to be a Dynamic Over-achiever

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

Axel, I notice you read a lot of highbrow books

"Arthur, the bird's gone and done it again."

"China now says it will withdraw its opposition to the missile-defense shield if the F.B.I. builds it."