Couchside Commentator Gifts

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'John is watching the game under protest.'

"I now pronounce you man and couch."

'I'm tired of roaming the earth. Can we just stay home tonight?'

"Fancy dyeing your hair white so everyone could see it was you who played a shocker!"

"We subscribe to five streaming services so why are we never able to see the hot new show everybody is raving about?"

'So, ten thousand pounds could be yours if you call in and answer this question...Why the hell aren't you in bed?!'

"Arthur, the bird's gone and done it again."

'Ask your doctor if getting your fat butt off the couch might be right for you!'

'That's a full ten minutes with the TV off. What now?'

'I'm going to refer you to Dr. Keinsorge -- he actually enjoys this sort of thing.'

'Next on News 7...GM offers to bail out the government in the event of a shutdown...'

Eventual Motion Machine

"I am a control freak."

"Well, if I was ambitious, we'd have a nice house and more money, but I'd never be around."

There is no limit to the amount of nonsense that men can talk about football.

"This is for all the things you have already heard about via social media."

"You know I always sit there for my keep fit programme!"

"I've seen this film ten times and it's still awful."

"I guess 80 is the new 100."

'I told you, never utter that four letter work - 'walk!''

Mud Slinging

"He wasn't quite dark enough to name 'midnight' so I named him ten o'clock."

"You need the exercise, so I bought you a bigger remote."

"I want you to be open and honest and to not leave any hair on the couch."

"How much for the couch without the potato?"

"Why can't you just bat the ball of yarn around like other cats?"

WARNING - This Programme Contains No Strong Language.....