Couchside Commentator Gifts

...and now Blue Planet two...

'At least now the injury worries are over, we can concentrate on slagging off the team.'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'I gotta admit it doc. . . My wife was right, a little time on the couch and I already feel better.'

"I now pronounce you man and couch."

'John is watching the game under protest.'

'I'm tired of roaming the earth. Can we just stay home tonight?'

"Fancy dyeing your hair white so everyone could see it was you who played a shocker!"

"We subscribe to five streaming services so why are we never able to see the hot new show everybody is raving about?"

"Today let's work on changing channels, drinking with a mouthful of food, and yelling at the TV all at the same time."

"It's not just me, Dad. Amazon.com has never made a cent, either."

"Arthur, the bird's gone and done it again."

'So, ten thousand pounds could be yours if you call in and answer this question...Why the hell aren't you in bed?!'

Your problems are all in your head, Al. This time you're wrong, doctor. I happen to be lying on my keys. The problem is not in my head. It's in my left buttock.

'Ask your doctor if getting your fat butt off the couch might be right for you!'

'I'm going to refer you to Dr. Keinsorge -- he actually enjoys this sort of thing.'

'That's a full ten minutes with the TV off. What now?'

'Next on News 7...GM offers to bail out the government in the event of a shutdown...'

Eventual Motion Machine

"I am a control freak."

"Well, if I was ambitious, we'd have a nice house and more money, but I'd never be around."

There is no limit to the amount of nonsense that men can talk about football.

"You know I always sit there for my keep fit programme!"

"This is for all the things you have already heard about via social media."

"I've seen this film ten times and it's still awful."

"You need the exercise, so I bought you a bigger remote."

"I want you to be open and honest and to not leave any hair on the couch."

"Why can't you just bat the ball of yarn around like other cats?"

'I told you, never utter that four letter work - 'walk!''

If you're going to wear a GoPro, Larry, you have to actually go.

Mud Slinging

"He wasn't quite dark enough to name 'midnight' so I named him ten o'clock."

WARNING - This Programme Contains No Strong Language.....

"How much for the couch without the potato?"

"I guess 80 is the new 100."