Carpet Commentator Gifts

'...Nobody here ordered staircarpet!'

"And the winner is… Dan the Man by a nose!"

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"‘Click’, you have reached the White House, press 1 for shameless groveling, 2 for presidential pardons, and please have your credit card details ready..."

'Cartoonist thinking'

'John is watching the game under protest.'

"Still, he might be remembered as the 'no cloning' President."

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

'He hasn't played a game yet, but there are people who have started whinging about him already.'

"Fancy dyeing your hair white so everyone could see it was you who played a shocker!"

Sports Radio in Crisis

Carl Shurz's attacks on President Grant are 'Played Out'

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

Freedom of Speech

"Lord, save my ass from this Russia debacle, please!"

'So, ten thousand pounds could be yours if you call in and answer this question...Why the hell aren't you in bed?!'

Tree of Public Opinion.

Pundits

And now, for a rebuttal.

'Oh man, he just nailed that triple entendre... that all but guarantees him a medal.'

"Actually, we will replace you."

"As you can see here - slow the tape, guys - these sparks are coming awfully close to the truck's gas tank, an explosive situation indeed..." Every high speed chase needs a color man.

"Honey, come quick! This guy in the comment section just solved the Middle East crisis."

Chess on TV

Surgery is to be encouraged to set up food banks

The United States of Amazement

'That damn racial scandal.'

"This is gonna be great!"

"If PBS announcers did football games." "Let's listen carefully to the quarterback as he scans his options. It appears that the defense seems to want to deter his team from moving the ball forward..." "The fans are making so much noise. I wonder if they know how hard that makes it for the players to concentrate?"

Sportscasters on the Savannah

'Next on News 7...GM offers to bail out the government in the event of a shutdown...'