Carpet Critics Gifts

'I told you nylon carpets were a mistake.'

'How do you like my new, deep plush carpet?'

Cat with Nine Still Lives

'...and remember, son, never throw up on an old carpet...wait until they get a new one!'

"Can't we have 'PRESS BUTTON' to shut up the commentator's gobbledegook."

All it takes is a little willpower and a good metabolism...

Downside of a memory foam mattress.

'How long have you had this obsessive hatred of cats?'

'I'm sorry, what were you saying? I was busy critiquing your outfit?'

Stu just wanted to participate in the outdoor art class. . . alone. . . but Bob went ahead and invited himself anyway. . .

The Bland Leading the Bland

"This painting, we're sorry to say, is pure trash."

So what's your back story? What do you do? Marketing. Downtown. House of Java.net Cybercafe. I'm an investor in The Infant Restaurant Critic. Heard of it? A baby goes to a restaurants and cafes and tried their food. If he likes it, the eatery gets a glowing online review. If not, curtains! I'm an investor. I'm on the ground floor! Did you only ask about me so you could then talk about yourself? I hear you. You're asking about me. Don't know what's worse: Men, high-tech investors, or the combinat

'Here, you're allowed to sharpen your claws to your heart's content!'

"And remember the rule: when the carpet is old, that's when we hold, when the carpet is new, that's when we spew!"

'I am sorry about this vicar, but my wife has just had new carpets fitted.'

"Aren't you ready yet?"

"Freeze! We're taking a look at your additives, preservatives, artificial coloring..."

Sick Exhibitionist

'I won't bother you, Mr. Gridley... I just wanted to see how it would feel to walk barefoot on your plush carpeting...'

'I said shag carpeting.'

"Eww! -- Is that the only color bandage you have?"

'This looks good. It's a six-hour special on how society is becoming too sedentary.'

"We had an expert restore all the original shag carpeting."

Bill often considered cutting his armpit hair, but then he'd need to buy carpeting.

'Wall-to-wall carpets go on the floor, not on the walls.'

'I love an empty canvas...especially yours...'

"A cat wouldn't answer."

'Thanks to me, you can save the money for the cat food from now on and put it into more reasonable investments!'

'Everybody's a critic'

"They're so realistic."

Pantomimes Are Lousy Painters. . .

Forth Bridge finally fully painted.

Office carpets,putting green type.

"That was a silly way to split the dung Fred! How are we supposed to roll our share home now?"