Carpet Comedian Gifts

'I didn't have time to mow the yard, so I used your credit card to have it carpeted. I hope you like shag.'

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

'You do a passable Jerry Lewis, but your Frank Sinatra stinks.'

Cat Reunion

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Optimist

"I only scratch up the furniture hoping they'll replace it with something more stylish."

Cat holds sign which says - Will purr for food.

'He's normally not affectionate, but he's really taken a liking to you!'

"I hate it..."

'Yeah, I'm a mouser.'

Litter Box Logistics Ltd.

'Oh, this will be good! He just putted into a sand trap...our litter box.'

"That explains all the cavities."

"Arthur, the bird's gone and done it again."

"One group gets tiny copies of the 'Times,' the other gets tiny copies of the 'Post.'"

'I'd like the tongue, please.'

"Yeah, uh, maybe you're not cut out to be the 'sparkly' kind of vampire."

'This is the questionnaire we need everyone to fill out about their views on excessive bureaucracy.'

"Ever wonder where all those cat videos come from?"

A musician bowing a tiny guitar

'Who did you have lick your hair?'

'I'm going to refer you to Dr. Keinsorge -- he actually enjoys this sort of thing.'

Man asks haughty looking cat: "And how, exactly, do you qualify as a spokesman for the feline community?"

Trash-talkin' artists

Man sitting at desk below sign saying 'Apologies' and two trays labelled 'Reserved' and 'Unreserved'.

'That's a full ten minutes with the TV off. What now?'

'In the middle of the second movement, Rodney's worst fears were realized; Phillippe began to sing along.'

"Aha! - Proof that this is definitely an iron-age site..."

"Is it my imagination, or does our use of correction fluid increase as people's teeth get whiter?"

Files of Doom

"Harvey's staying with shoulders."

Before you feed him/After you feed him.