Carpet Comedian Pillows

'I didn't have time to mow the yard, so I used your credit card to have it carpeted. I hope you like shag.'

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

Cat Reunion

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

'You do a passable Jerry Lewis, but your Frank Sinatra stinks.'

Optimist

"I only scratch up the furniture hoping they'll replace it with something more stylish."

'He's normally not affectionate, but he's really taken a liking to you!'

Cat holds sign which says - Will purr for food.

"I hate it..."

Litter Tray Stonehenge

'Yeah, I'm a mouser.'

Litter Box Logistics Ltd.

'Oh, this will be good! He just putted into a sand trap...our litter box.'

"That explains all the cavities."

Artistic License

"Arthur, the bird's gone and done it again."

'I'd like the tongue, please.'

"One group gets tiny copies of the 'Times,' the other gets tiny copies of the 'Post.'"

"Yeah, uh, maybe you're not cut out to be the 'sparkly' kind of vampire."

'This is the questionnaire we need everyone to fill out about their views on excessive bureaucracy.'

"Ever wonder where all those cat videos come from?"

Trash-talkin' artists

A musician bowing a tiny guitar

'That's a full ten minutes with the TV off. What now?'

You heard right - one large cheese pizza, and tell the driver to take it out of the box and leave it in the yard,

Man asks haughty looking cat: "And how, exactly, do you qualify as a spokesman for the feline community?"

'Who did you have lick your hair?'

'I'm going to refer you to Dr. Keinsorge -- he actually enjoys this sort of thing.'

Man sitting at desk below sign saying 'Apologies' and two trays labelled 'Reserved' and 'Unreserved'.

'In the middle of the second movement, Rodney's worst fears were realized; Phillippe began to sing along.'

"Aha! - Proof that this is definitely an iron-age site..."

"Is it my imagination, or does our use of correction fluid increase as people's teeth get whiter?"

"I'm used to embellished resumes, but claiming you can herd cats is a bit far fetched..."

"I thought it would be cheaper to weed wack our shag carpet rather than replace it."