Crafty Commentator Gifts

A needlepoint message to free Martha Stewart.

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

"Hey, the neighbors just installed a new wifi router."

"And the winner is… Dan the Man by a nose!"

"‘Click’, you have reached the White House, press 1 for shameless groveling, 2 for presidential pardons, and please have your credit card details ready..."

Nature is going crazy! Extremely hot summers, tornadoes, floods. . .and now Frank comes home sober on a Friday evening at 10 PM!

'Cartoonist thinking'

'Too pricey? Perhaps you wish to see something in macaroni and spray paint?'

Learn to Be a Critic In The Privacy Of Your Own Home With The Apex Correspondence School Of Criticism!

"What's an imagination? It was something kids used to enjoy before they invented video games."

'He hasn't played a game yet, but there are people who have started whinging about him already.'

"But the good news is Trump has broken off diplomatic relations with them only on Twitter..."

A lady playing piano and a man talking to her

Sports Radio in Crisis

Expressions of mystery.

"Lord, save my ass from this Russia debacle, please!"

Sir Patrick Moore.

Carl Shurz's attacks on President Grant are 'Played Out'

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

Tree of Public Opinion.

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"With great power comes great reward."

"Yeah, uh, maybe you're not cut out to be the 'sparkly' kind of vampire."

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

And now, for a rebuttal.

'Oh man, he just nailed that triple entendre... that all but guarantees him a medal.'

"If PBS announcers did football games." "Let's listen carefully to the quarterback as he scans his options. It appears that the defense seems to want to deter his team from moving the ball forward..." "The fans are making so much noise. I wonder if they know how hard that makes it for the players to concentrate?"

Surgery is to be encouraged to set up food banks

Chicken standing on a platform on a stage with three horns in front of it and wearing a top hat; a sign on the side of the platform reads "National Endowment for the Arts - Seal of Approval."

"This is gonna be great!"

"The first three chapters read like they were written by some guy on a couch."

The United States of Amazement

"As you can see here - slow the tape, guys - these sparks are coming awfully close to the truck's gas tank, an explosive situation indeed..." Every high speed chase needs a color man.

Chess on TV