Television Couch Critic Gifts

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'This has the makings of their toughest season ever.'

Difference of Opinion

"If you could be any Bob Dylan you wanted to, which Bob Dylan would you be?"

"Bloody hell!"

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

'At least now the injury worries are over, we can concentrate on slagging off the team.'

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

Man: 'How cute. He must like the movement.' Cat: 'There are some challenging themes here but little or no dramatic resonance.'

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

'What does it say, Dad?'

"All of a dither as per usual!"

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Can't Touch This

'John is watching the game under protest.'

"I mean the Saturday Night Live president, not the lousy one."

"Can't we have 'PRESS BUTTON' to shut up the commentator's gobbledegook."

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

'It's not much of a soap opera with just that Adam guy.'

'What about you...you've been living here thirty years too?'

Can't Touch This

Christmas TV...

'Of course, I'm not one of those glamorous paleontologists who are all over TV these days.'

'It's not as impressive as it looks. He only watches fishing shows.'

"Fancy dyeing your hair white so everyone could see it was you who played a shocker!"

"We subscribe to five streaming services so why are we never able to see the hot new show everybody is raving about?"

'I thought this was a documentary about animal cruelty.'

Don't touch that dial! — We're experts, and we know what you should be watching!

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

'Every TV show seems to have a lucrative phone-in competition these days.'

"The keep saying unrestored and what a nice PATINA, Ted. A better-sounding word for old tarnished stuff would be SCRINCH or SKRITCH, don't you think, eh, Ted?"

'So, ten thousand pounds could be yours if you call in and answer this question...Why the hell aren't you in bed?!'

"Arthur, the bird's gone and done it again."

"It's not just me, Dad. Amazon.com has never made a cent, either."

'What a strange episode -- they just voted Ricardo Montalban off the island!'