Television Couch Critic Gifts

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'This has the makings of their toughest season ever.'

Difference of Opinion

"If you could be any Bob Dylan you wanted to, which Bob Dylan would you be?"

"Bloody hell!"

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

Man: 'How cute. He must like the movement.' Cat: 'There are some challenging themes here but little or no dramatic resonance.'

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

Can't Touch This

"All of a dither as per usual!"

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

'What does it say, Dad?'

"I mean the Saturday Night Live president, not the lousy one."

'John is watching the game under protest.'

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

'It's not much of a soap opera with just that Adam guy.'

"Can't we have 'PRESS BUTTON' to shut up the commentator's gobbledegook."

'What about you...you've been living here thirty years too?'

"Fancy dyeing your hair white so everyone could see it was you who played a shocker!"

"We subscribe to five streaming services so why are we never able to see the hot new show everybody is raving about?"

'Of course, I'm not one of those glamorous paleontologists who are all over TV these days.'

'It's not as impressive as it looks. He only watches fishing shows.'

"The keep saying unrestored and what a nice PATINA, Ted. A better-sounding word for old tarnished stuff would be SCRINCH or SKRITCH, don't you think, eh, Ted?"

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

'Every TV show seems to have a lucrative phone-in competition these days.'

"Arthur, the bird's gone and done it again."

"I watched a Lassie marathon today and realized that I really need to step up my game."

"Darling! We've become armchair socialites."

Meet John Henderson. - The only journalist NOT to have interviewed serial killers in prison...

'I thought this was a documentary about animal cruelty.'

"China now says it will withdraw its opposition to the missile-defense shield if the F.B.I. builds it."