Couch Humorist Gifts

'Are you ready for your reality check?'

Your problems are all in your head, Al. This time you're wrong, doctor. I happen to be lying on my keys. The problem is not in my head. It's in my left buttock.

"I spend all day arranging things on the table and you haven't knocked a single thing off."

"Fly away! Be free!"

"He's very physically fit. He can fit anywhere!"

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

'At least now the injury worries are over, we can concentrate on slagging off the team.'

'John is watching the game under protest.'

'Just sitting around letting advertisers brainwash me. What about you?'

"Fancy dyeing your hair white so everyone could see it was you who played a shocker!"

"We subscribe to five streaming services so why are we never able to see the hot new show everybody is raving about?"

Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what is good on Netflix.

'So, ten thousand pounds could be yours if you call in and answer this question...Why the hell aren't you in bed?!'

"Arthur, the bird's gone and done it again."

"It's not just me, Dad. Amazon.com has never made a cent, either."

"Will I still be able to not exercise?"

'I'm going to refer you to Dr. Keinsorge -- he actually enjoys this sort of thing.'

'That's a full ten minutes with the TV off. What now?'

'Next on News 7...GM offers to bail out the government in the event of a shutdown...'

"Is it my imagination, or does our use of correction fluid increase as people's teeth get whiter?"

"You know, dear, planting your base in a chair and eating chicken is not 'plant-based' eating."

"Harvey's staying with shoulders."

...she found out that the basque he'd bought wasn't for her.

"Welcome to The Cable Cafe. Your waiter will be with you between now and 5:00PM."

'Remember, your father may be here physically, but mentally he's attending the NCAA tournament.'

"I am a control freak."

'Flipping the remote and clicking the mouse are his low-impact aerobics.'

"You know I always sit there for my keep fit programme!"

'Here, you can have my fly trap.I already have one.'

"This is for all the things you have already heard about via social media."

There is no limit to the amount of nonsense that men can talk about football.

"I've seen this film ten times and it's still awful."

Mud Slinging

'I told you, never utter that four letter work - 'walk!''

"I want you to be open and honest and to not leave any hair on the couch."