Couch Humorist Gifts

'Are you ready for your reality check?'

"I spend all day arranging things on the table and you haven't knocked a single thing off."

"Fly away! Be free!"

"He's very physically fit. He can fit anywhere!"

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

'Just sitting around letting advertisers brainwash me. What about you?'

'John is watching the game under protest.'

"Fancy dyeing your hair white so everyone could see it was you who played a shocker!"

"We subscribe to five streaming services so why are we never able to see the hot new show everybody is raving about?"

"Arthur, the bird's gone and done it again."

'So, ten thousand pounds could be yours if you call in and answer this question...Why the hell aren't you in bed?!'

"Will I still be able to not exercise?"

'That's a full ten minutes with the TV off. What now?'

'I'm going to refer you to Dr. Keinsorge -- he actually enjoys this sort of thing.'

'Next on News 7...GM offers to bail out the government in the event of a shutdown...'

"Is it my imagination, or does our use of correction fluid increase as people's teeth get whiter?"

...she found out that the basque he'd bought wasn't for her.

"You know, dear, planting your base in a chair and eating chicken is not 'plant-based' eating."

"Harvey's staying with shoulders."

'Remember, your father may be here physically, but mentally he's attending the NCAA tournament.'

"I am a control freak."

"Welcome to The Cable Cafe. Your waiter will be with you between now and 5:00PM."

'Flipping the remote and clicking the mouse are his low-impact aerobics.'

There is no limit to the amount of nonsense that men can talk about football.

"You know I always sit there for my keep fit programme!"

"This is for all the things you have already heard about via social media."

"I've seen this film ten times and it's still awful."

'Here, you can have my fly trap.I already have one.'

Mud Slinging

"It's lunchtime! Have you finished saying 'Good Morning' on your WhatsApp Groups?"

WARNING - This Programme Contains No Strong Language.....

"Why can't you just bat the ball of yarn around like other cats?"

"I want you to be open and honest and to not leave any hair on the couch."

'I told you, never utter that four letter work - 'walk!''

'Sorry, Bob, but I'm having trouble taking our relationship seriously.'