Couch Pundit Pillows

"No incumbents were harmed in the passage of this stimulus package...."

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

"If you could be any Bob Dylan you wanted to, which Bob Dylan would you be?"

Studies show foods work miracles!

"Bloody hell!"

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

"All of a dither as per usual!"

"Can you hypnotise me into being in shape?"

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Look, having nuclear - my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at M.I.T. - good genes, very good genes, O.K., very smart. . ."

"And next up, Fairy Tales: FolkLORE or FolkLIES!"

'John is watching the game under protest.'

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

Trivia Night in Apartment 8-G

'What about you...you've been living here thirty years too?'

"You're overthinking it. Sometimes a belly rub is just a belly rub."

"We subscribe to five streaming services so why are we never able to see the hot new show everybody is raving about?"

"Fancy dyeing your hair white so everyone could see it was you who played a shocker!"

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

Psychiatrist with bust of Freud

'Wow, are all these desserts for here, or are you going to stuff your faces in the privacy of your own home?'

'Care to join in some of my avoidance behaviour?'

"Fact amnesty"

"Scientists confirmed today that everything we know about the structure of the universe is wrongedy-wrong-wrong."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

How to be a Dynamic Over-achiever

"It all started when I didn't grow up in a palatial estate."

"Tom, let's explore why you feel Andrea's inability to understand 'icing the puck' is passive-aggressive."

"Arthur, the bird's gone and done it again."

"China now says it will withdraw its opposition to the missile-defense shield if the F.B.I. builds it."

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."